


Knowing Better: One-shots

by RiderForEver17



Series: Knowing Better [4]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Angst, Character Development, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:35:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25288420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiderForEver17/pseuds/RiderForEver17
Summary: This is a collection of One-shots from the Knowing Better series. I intended to post each One-shot individually but decided to keep track of them in one place.You can expect: angst, fluff, smut, explicit sexual content, character growth, relationship goals, relationship issues, and more.Each One-shot will have its own summary and warnings.I guess tags will be updated as the One-shots are posted :)
Relationships: Alex Rider & Original Male Character(s)
Series: Knowing Better [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813444
Kudos: 18





	1. State Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn’t resist myself, I had to post this today.  
> This is the first One-shot of the series and the scene takes place three months BEFORE the epilogue in “Does he know better?”, so Alex and Vict have been officially back together for about three months as well.  
> These One-shots will help us take a look at how their relationship develops with time and how Alex manages to grow beyond his issues. It’s a slow process, but a steady one with Vict by his side :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Alex sees yet another bruise in Vict’s body, he doesn’t expect the real reason behind it and things get heated pretty fast after that.  
> Add some fluff and sexy times and you’ve got yourself this One-shot!
> 
> WARNINGS: slight smut and fluff!

Sunday morning came way too quickly and Alex rolled on his back and stretched like a cat before sitting up in bed. He looked down at the person laying next to him and chuckled. Vict was such a heavy sleeper.

Alex considered laying back down and catching a few more minutes of sleep, something he could take advantage of, considering what they’d been doing the night before, but decided against it. What he needed most was a shower.

He reached into his bag, glad he’d thought about bringing a change of clothes, since the ones from last night were wrinckled without remedy. He stepped into the bathroom.

Vict’s place was small, but comfortable and efficient. It was a one bedroom apartment, the bathroom right next to it, and an open space concept between the kitchen and the livingroom. It was cozy.

Alex showered quickly, going in and out of the bathroom in barely 7 minutes. K-Unit would be proud, he thought.

By the time he was dressed and back in the room, Vict was beginning to come around.

“Morning”

“Mrgh” the other boy grumbled, making Alex chuckle.

“Your turn in the shower” 

Vict sighed and turned around, making it seem like he would just fall right back to sleep, but with a heavy groan, he lifted himself off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom. He knew the rules, no kissing until they were both showered. Alex was OCD like that.

The blond merely flopped back on the bed to check his phone. They had plenty of time before they were supposed to meet with Leyla.

Against his better judgement, he began to doze off in the absurdly long time it took for Vict to shower, so much that by the time he was out, Alex was almost asleep again. That was until he felt droplets of water hitting his face. He spurt upwards to face a laughing Vict, a towel around his waist the only thing on him.

“You’re not ready yet?” the blond asked, wiping the water from his face with an annoyed expression while he tried to suppress a laugh.

“I’m getting there” Vict turned to his built-in wardrobe, but not before Alex caught sight of something he’d vowed never to see on the other boy, ever again. A bruise.

“Shit. I did that?” he jumped from the bed and reached Vict, who was looking down at himself with a puzzled look caused by the blond’s sudden alarm.

“What? What is it?”

“That” Alex said, signaling the small purple mark on his upper chest. He was staring at it with an afronted frown.

“Oh, this?” Vict massaged the spot lightly “It’s a hickey” 

“I _know_ what it is” the blond replied, still not sure how to feel about it “I’m sorry” Vict laughed.

“What for? You give them to me all the time” now _that_ was unexpected.

“I… what?”

“Yeah, look. There’s this one from last week” he beckoned Alex closer to take a look at them. The blond stood closer to him, inspecting Vict’s body as he began signaling small purple circles all over it that Alex hadn’t noticed before “And this one, and this one…” at least they were well hidden. 

The thing was, Alex didn’t exactly remember giving those. He still had a hard time concentrating whenever they were together but even he thought he’d remember something like bruising the other boy.

“I’m sorry I hurt you” he said sincerely with a hint of shame in his tone.

“Don’t be” Vict said, sobering up as well for a second before his face broke out into a grin “I like them. They make me feel… yours” Alex would’ve continued berating himself if it wasn’t for the fact he was distracted into thinking how damn sexy that grin was.

“You _are_ mine” he said, leaving no room for argument and putting his arms around Vict, bringing him closer to him.

“Yeah? Well, you are definitely a sucker for me” they both laughed and Alex tried to hide his embarrassment by hidind his flushed cheeks on Vict’s shoulder.

“Shut up” he admonished, still laughing himself.

“You want one?” the unexpected request sobered him up instantly. The boys stared at each other for a while and Alex gulped at the sudden rush of adrenalin that ignited within him. He understood the meaning behind the question. Vict was asking him if he wanted to be marked as his as well.

“Fine” there was a time he would’ve recoiled at the thought of anyone believing they had some kind of ownership over him. _Nobody owns me_. But he himself found a sort of possesive strike when it came to Vict, so he might as well let the other boy have that too “But nowhere visible” he added as an afterthought. It’s not like he was going to walk around with a hickey on the neck.

“Hmmm… nowhere visible” Vict started walking in a circle around him, seriously considering his request “Come on” he guided him to the bed.

Vict began the slow and tortuous process of removing his t-shirt by placing small kisses all the way up from his waistline to his neck. Alex felt the now too familiar buttlerflies awakening in his stomach.

Once removed, Vict threw away the t-shirt and concentrated on licking every available patch of skin. Alex’s nerves were standing on end. Vict was reaching lower and lower, still not choosing a spot to mark and Alex had to contain himself from letting out a small moan when Vict made him turn around and lay face down on the bed.

The temperature in the room had risen dangerously fast and Alex was amazed at how quickly he was being turned on by Vict’s ministrations. They’d just done it, for Christ sake! Were Alex’s thoughts when the other boy’s tongue running all over his back had him clutching the sheets beneath him. Their sex life wasn’t exactly on the low side, but Alex usually required a bigger cool off time frame to be in the right mind set again. We’re talking about several days before he was ready to dive into it again. There was even one time when they hadn’t been able to do it for two and a half weeks, much to the blond’s embarrassment. It was nothing physical, it was psychological, and even though Alex had been deeply frustrated by it at first, they’d managed to live with it. 

Vict always said it made the word anticipation take on a whole new meaning, and it was definitely anticipation what Alex was starting to suffer through when Vict’s tongue went so low he was sure he’d have to take off his pants as well. Just when he was about to reach down and undo them himself because, okay, now he _wanted_ Vict to go there, the older boy stopped and started sucking on his skin.

Alex felt the soft sting of his skin being pulled and he went up with it before falling back down on the bed, panting lightly into it. The whole experience was incredibly erotic for him and he couldn’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed about it. He was just turned on.

When Vict finally let him go, he felt the other boy crawling back up and laying on top of him, his naked chest flushed against his naked back. He whispered in his ear.

“There. Did it hurt?” Alex was still breathing heavily while he contemplated his answer. He thought about the soft sting of the spot Vict had sucked on and the way he’d actually been aroused by it.

“No”

“Good. Now you know how I feel” Vict kissed him on the cheek and stood up. Alex complained.

“You’re just gonna leave me like this?” he asked outraged. Vict was half way up when Alex turned around. Vict chuckled.

“Don’t tell me you’re—” Alex signaled his lower half. Yep, he was.

“This is a new development” 

“Are you gonna do something about it or not?” Alex challenged. _God_ , he sounded desperate.

“Am I gonna do something? Yeah, I’m gonna do something about it” Vict got a mischievous glint in his eyes that let Alex know he was up to no good. A pointy finger found it’s way to his ribs and Alex jumped.

“Stop it! You know I’m ticklish” Vict smiled even wider.

“How ticklish?” Alex groaned at the question. He was in for a battle. He went to protect his exposed torso by wrapping his arms around himself, but he wasn’t making that much effort into getting free because the struggle was providing him with the kind of contact he needed right now.

“Like, I could spill state secrets ticklish” he said, laughing when another finger poked his side.

“Oh really?” Vict renewed his efforts “What's your favorite color?” 

“What?”

“What's your favorite color?” Alex was writhing underneath him, trying to keep Vict’s hands away from him.

“Green! It's green!” suddenly Vict dropped down and attacked his neck, not with his fingers but with his mouth. Alex arched his back.

“Favorite food?” Vict mumbled.

“Seriously?” Alex asked breathless, encircling Vict with his legs and trapping him closer to him.

“Favorite food” the other boy repeated, taking advantage of his dropped guard to beging ticlking him again.

“Su-sushi! Stop” he was laughing hysterically now, wanting to push Vict off of him and at the same time wanting him to rub harder against him.

“Lucky number?”

“Twelve” at some point, Vict’s fingers stopped jabbing in favor of kneading and Alex’s breathing became labored once more. What was the deal with asking these questions? They’d breached those topics early on in their relationship.

“Favorite movie?” Alex would continue to answer if it meant keeping the other boy exactly where he was though, doing exactly what he was doing now.

“I-Iron… ma-man” it was getting harder to concentrate and Alex tugged on Vict to bring their mouths together and engage in a heated kiss.

They broke apart for air.

“Favorite position?” Alex looked up sharply at that.

“I am _not_ telling you that” now he understood what all the other questions were about: distraction. But if Vict thought he would catch him off guard with that question, he had another thing coming.

“Are you sure?” the older boy asked, curling the fingers currently caressing his side. Alex tensed underneath him.

“Possitive” he was expecting it, but he really was ticklish and the moment the attack was renewed he couldn’t help the bouts of uncontrolled laughter getting out of him “Okay, okay! This one! This one’s my favorite position!”

Vict sat up straighter, a confused frown on his face, and Alex was able to breathe again.

“This one?” the other boy asked, genuinly confused and Alex propped himself up on his elbows.

“Yeah, why?” had he said something wrong? Was he supposed to choose another one? But it was the truth, he loved feeling Vict’s weight on top of him, an arm on either side of his head, being able to kiss while they moved, even if he could never bring himself to—

“I thought you didn’t like it like that” it was Alex’s turn to frown.

“I do”

“It’s just, we never hold it for too long and we never finish like that” Alex looked away when his cheeks started turning red. Talking so openly about it wasn’t something he was used to yet. 

“Yeah, well, I wish I could” he turned to the side and got up from the bed, dislodging Vict away from him.

“Alex”

The blond kept walking, heading for the bathroom to splash some cold water into his face.

“If it’s because you feel trapped, we can—”

“It’s not that” Vict had followed him into the bathroom and was standing behind him in front of the mirror “I mean, that’s part of it”

“What’s the other part?” 

Alex wasn’t sure he was ready to explain how suffocated he felt whenever he was the one underneath. The lack of air made him feel like he was drowning and the experience felt too much like being waterboarded. The breathlessness always intensified when he was about to… but how to explain that without mentioning things like waterboarding? It was enough that Vict knew about the assault, and it was enough that he knew he’d been hurt before that. He didn’t need to know more. In a way, he should be grateful that he had an excuse for his scars, because Vict believed they all came from his time in Kiev, and so he never asked about them, out of respect, he supposed. 

“Hey” Vict interrupted his train of thought by putting a hand on his shoulder “You haven’t taken a look at this” he said, touching the hickey he’d left on his back. Alex smiled, recognizing the change of topic. He turned around and glanced back into the mirror, finding a purple mark way low on his back.

“You’re right, they’re cool”

“Does that mean I can give them more often?”

“Don’t go overboard with it. I _know_ you”

“Me? You’re the one that’s got me all black and blue!”

Alex laughed and put his arms around Vict’s neck, giving him a kiss before hugging him close. Vict always knew when to press a matter and when not to do it, but Alex knew they’d have to finish that particular conversation at some point.

“So… breakfast?” all thoughts of excitetment behind, Alex could focus on the next pressing matter: his grumbling stomach.

Alex left Vict to finish getting dressed while he put his t-shirt back on, on his way to the kitchen.

Maybe the next time they did it, Alex wouldn’t mind spending more time in that particular position. It was his favorite, after all. Maybe, as with everything else in his life, he would begin to slowly get accostumed to it enough to stop seeing it as a problem and begin to think about it as an accomplishment.

_ Ugh _ , he’d spent way too much time with his therapist. 

He figured it was okay though, she’d gotten him this far in the last three months after he began seeing her more regularly due to his current relationship status.

Relationship. He was in a _relationship_ , of all things. Sometimes, even Alex Daniels couldn’t believe his luck.

“Breakfast’s not ready yet?” Vict asked, coming out of the bedroom and finding Alex just standing in the kitchen “What, daydreaming about me?” 

Alex rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut up”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d love to see what you guys think of this one...  
> I should post the next One-shots in the next few days ☺️  
> See you then!


	2. Nobody had to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested one shot! When Alex and Vict get invited to a party, Alex has to deal with some self image issues and insecurities. Some daily routine for our boys mixed with the usual amount of angst. Set after the epilogue of "Does he know better?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I received a review asking for a One-shot about Alex’s scars and body insecurities. I wanted to write something equal parts fun and angsty (you know me, I love angst) and this is what I came up with. I also decided to throw in some jealous Alex just for the sake of it.
> 
> I hope you guys like it!
> 
> By the way, this takes place shortly after the epilogue in “Does he know better?”
> 
> WARNINGS: discussion of self image, light angst with a happy ending :)

"Come on, it'll be fun!" 

"I don't know..."

"You could meet new people, all of our friends will be there, and then some"

"She has a point"

"Does it have to be a pool party? Does it have to be a party at all?"

"So far you've only met Leyla and Reggi, and Reggi was just in passing. You should expand your social circle"

"My current circle is fine, thank you"

“Me and Vict are the only ones in your circle”

"And—"

"Your brother doesn't count! Vict, kiss some sense into that boy!"

"Again, she has a point"

"But a pool party?" Alex whined and looked pleadingly at Vict across the small breakfast bar on the kitchen but the older boy seemed really enthused with the idea. Leyla was still going on about the benefits of her friend's house pool, her voice higher pitched and slightly disjointed over the phone. She had called them over an hour ago and their stomachs were loudly complaining, which made Vict give _him_ a pleading look, shaking the phone in front of his face. The blond let out a long suffering sigh "Where is it? When is it? And how long am I supposed to stay before it's not considered rude to leave?"

"Success! Saturday. Two p.m. Don't be punctual. Bye!" he didn’t miss the lack of answer to his last question.

When the call finally ended Alex dropped his head dramaticaly on his folded arms over the counter.

"She's a menace"

"She has good intentions"

"I don't need to work on my social life, which has more than two people in it by the way"

Vict snorted, resuming the preparation of their late breakfast. "I beg to differ"

"It's true though"

"The unit doesn't count Alex. They're never around. I've barely seen them once"

It had been around three weeks now since K-unit went to visit and meet Vict. The guys hadn't been able to stay long and so Vict had only seen them that first day. But that didn't mean they didn't count as Alex's friends. " _You've_ barely seen them" 

His tone was petty, he knew, but he wouldn't diminish K-Unit's role in his life. At least Vict sounded a bit apologetic after that. "I think Leyla was leaning towards more friends your age"

"I don't like people my age"

The other boy waited until he was finished scrambling the eggs before answering. "You like me. And Leyla"

"I tolerate her, there’s a difference" he purposefully didn't confirm or deny his feelings towards him. They were obvious by now.

"Yeah... don't tell her that" at some point, a pan appeared and Vict took his time cooking the scrambled eggs to his liking. Alex reached for the bread already on the counter and took out a slice for each of them. Vict turned back to him holding the pan over their plates. "Two hours. We can show up for two hours and if you genuinely don't like it, we leave"

"I don't have a swim trunk"

"Who doesn't have—" Alex's glare stopped Vict from finishing that sentence. "Okay, we can buy one. Or you can use one of mine" 

When a generous amount of eggs was put on his plate, Alex downed a glass of water and began tearing his bread to pieces scrambling his eggs even more so with them and then eating the whole thing with a fork. Vict wisely didn't comment on his eating habits.

"Two hours" he agreed and tried to supress the tug of his lips when Vict threw a hand in the air.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Saturday morning found them walking through a department store in search of a new swim trunk for the blond. To say that said blond was less than thrilled with the idea was an understatement.

"Solid or printed?"

Alex shrugged, hands hidden inside his pockets. “I don't know"

"Black would suit you, or green" 

"Not white" Alex said when the other boy reached for a pair of white trunks with a green leaf pattern on it.

"Oookay. This one?" brown and green checkered trunks.

He shook his head. "No"

"Let's see..." he bypassed a few animal printed ones and reached for another green colored pair "This?"

"Not green" Alex decided, fearing this would all be just a waste of time. He didn't actually want a swim trunk.

But the other boy wouldn't be deterred with his foul mood so he kept going through the endless racks of options silently ignoring some models and loudly insulting a few others.

"I know! This one's cool" he held out a pair of blue wave pattern trunks but Alex creased his face in disgust.

"Too bright"

Vict sighed showing the first signs of impatience and put the garment back in its place, "I know we're not supposed to be on time to the party but we don't have all morning either. Just take a look with me and see if anything catches your eye?"

Alex unfolded his arms and walked closer to the rows of color. "Fine"

He began inspecting for himself while Vict continued to do the same, changing tactics and just grabbing a few options and holding them close to his chest instead of asking for Alex's opinion. The blond figured he should do the same.

They rendezvoused near the end of the racks and Alex proudly held up the two options he'd forced himself to grab.

"Happy?" he lifted an eyebrow when he counted at least six pairs in Vict's arms.

"Go try them on!" if only his enthusiasm was enough for both of them.

Still, Alex tried to keep his displeasure to a minimum, at least from showing. His issues weren't the older boy's fault. He followed Vict to the changing rooms and found himself buried into a small mountain of swimwear. "I wanna see them all!" he insisted.

The blond entered the small cubicule and resigned himself to the task at hand.

He picked through Vict's pile and singled out a dot print pair. He stuck his arm through the curtain holding the offending garment away.

"Not this one!" he said and Vict chuckled when he took them from his outstretched hand.

One down, seven to go.

He decided to just try the first one without giving it much of a thought. He took off his shoes and slid out of his jeans to quickly try on a pair of solid black trunks. The fact the stall didn't have a proper door but a curtain wasn't helping his anxiety any. 

Alex glanced at himself in the full body mirror. He would've actually chosen this pair for how simple they were just to save himself the trouble of going through all the others, but he didn't like how short they were. He preferred something closer to the knees.

He picked the next one and tried it on. Too colorful. The one after that, too tight.

Vict's voice reached him from behind a corner of the curtain, "Did you try one yet?"

"No" he lied.

"Will you let me see them?"

"No" he not-lied.

Vict didn't speak again after that.

He chose to try the ones he'd picked himself but one of them was too short again and the other one just didn't look good on him. That left him with only two more options. A dark black and blue navy design and a black one with a paint splash of almost fluorescent pink on the side of one leg.

He let out an annoyed sigh and stuck both of them out through the curtain.

"Which one you like best?" he asked because if he was being completely honest with himself, he didn't necessarily dislike either of them. 

Vict took his time deciding. "Ummm, the black one?"

Alex put it on. The fit at the waist wasn't bad, the lenght didn't quite reach the knees but he supposed he could live with that and the obnouxiously bright splash of color didn't make his eyes bleed. If Vict liked this one better, he wouldn't even try the navy blue one. 

He was holding the hem of his shirt up to gauge how the garmet hugged his waist when he caught sight of one of the scars on his back. A fine but jagged line running from the bottom of his spine to his right side, the skin slightly raised and whitened. He clenched his teeth at the sight of it. He pulled up the shirt a bit more to show his stomach and found the small dots of electrical burns running from his navel and dissappearing under the trunks. He stroked them lightly with the tip of his finger. Faded as they were, the small dots still contrasted slightly with his pale skin. He scratched them nervously while he rid the shirt past his chest all the way up to his neck, imagining how he would look like wearing the swim trunks, _just_ the swim trunks.

He scowled when his eyes landed on the wound above his heart. It had been years since he was sniped and almost killed by a bullet but the scar hadn't lost its uggliness. The only difference he could find between now and the year he got it was that the small puckered scar was more white than pink at this point.

With an annoyed tsk, he let the shirt fall and changed back into his own clothes. What had he agreed to? He asked himself.

Vict flashed him a smile when he finally stepped out of the changing room. "What's the veredict?"

The blond threw the black and pink trunks at him and threw the rest into the discarded items cart. 

"You're paying" he spat, because there was no way he'd waste his money on something he'd only use for a couple of hours and then probably just burn afterwards.

Vict looked like he was about to protest but decided against it once he seemed to notice that Alex's mood had taken a turn for the worst. They just got in line to pay without exchanging any other words.

They had a little over tree hours until the party and they went their separate ways so Alex could get ready in his own room. Apart from a towel, what else was he supposed to take to a pool party? He decided to ponder the answer after running a few laps around the block.

Nothing screamed social anxiety at him better than a freaking party. In fact, he couldn’t even remember going to one in the past.

What if people began spreading gossip about him?

_ But no one knows me here. _

What if Vict’s friends didn’t like him?

_ What do I care about them? _

What if Vict feels ashamed of his poor social skills?

_ I really don’t want to go. _

Definitely social anxiety.

Ben hadn’t been absolutely any help either when he’d told him about his plans for the day. _A party? That’s awesome Al! Imagine all the friends your age you could make. Engaging in social activities, that’s exactly what your therapist recommended when we moved here…_

Why was everyone so obsessed with him making new friends? Didn’t they get that people ‘his age’ just didn’t like him? And he didn’t like them back anyway, so what was the point? He didn’t need any more people in his life.

He wished he’d refused to go.

But he had already agreed and Vict had bribed him with taking him out to dinner that night after the party. He knew Alex had a soft spot for thailand food and he wasn’t afraid to use his weakness against him to get his way. The bastard!

Alex guessed he could endure a few hours of anxiety since he was used to living with it anyway. He just hoped dinner was indeed worth all this trouble.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"There's Leyla. Hey!" Vict waved at the girl who excused herself from the group of people she'd been talking to and happily sauntered her way towards them. She hugged the taller boy and then gave Alex a once over with a look of pride in her eyes.

"I approve" to which the blond just rolled his eyes.

The pool itself wasn't really that big. It was the rest of the back yard that stood out with how spacious it was. Alex could make out a food table at the other side of the pool and a bar right next to the door they'd just come out from. Not many people were in the water since everyone was busy fixing themselves some drinks or walking around the food table filling paper plates with snacks of every kind.

The blond took a step closer to his boyfriend, "So, you know everyone here?"

"No way. They're mostly Leyla's friend's friends, you know, the owner of the house?" Alex arched a brow "I do know some of them. Look that's Bethany, we graduated from the same high school. And William, same team until I left it this year. Reggi, you know Reggi. And Leyla, of course. Matt, Linda and Lucas"

That sounded like an awful lot of people to meet on the same day. "Any chance we can just keep to ourselves?"

Vict rolled his eyes and chuckled at his discomfort. "Come on, I'll introduce you"

Alex tried his best to pretend he was interested in everyone else and he would spurt questions to the people Vict slowly but surely introduced him to just to get the focus of the conversations away from himself. He supposed he was doing fine, anxiety wise, as long as Vict was around to save him when things inevitably went socially awkward.

The doorbell ringing could be faintly heard all the way back there and Alex lost count of how many new guests arrived during the first hour of the party.

At some point, someone powered on a speaker and music began blasting through the small device dangerously close to the pool. The now half full of bodies pool. People had begun shedding their clothes by the time eating and introductions were taken care of and now everyone just walked around on nothing but tight bikinis and colorful swim trunks. Among the sea of skin and color, Alex was glad his own clothes were mostly dark.

"I could use a beer" he said close to Vict's ear. The other boy was engaged in conversation with his group of friends.

"Get me one?"

Alex nodded and made his way to the bar.

It took some time before he found a cooler under the counter with already melting ice and some cans of beer. At least the cans were still cold. But instead of going right back to his boyfriend's side, he lingered behind the counter and took the oportunity to get away from the swarm of almost naked bodies around him. He popped the can open and sipped the bitter but cool liquid.

Everyone was walking around practically half naked, bumping into each other, hugging and casually touching arms and hands. Alex didn't like the casualness with which everyone exposed their bodies. Weren't they bothered by everyone watching? There he was, creepily observing from afar the amount of skin on display. Did they even notice that they were being watched? Did they care?

Alex could remember a time when he supossed he was like them, carefree about how he looked. He'd gone to the beach before, done water sports as well and not once had he worried about his body. He'd been innocent. He'd been naive. Just like every one here was being naive, not paying any attention to how much they showed of themselves.

Alex averted his eyes and worried the can of beer between his hands. Dr. Gwen had worked around this issue with him for so long and still, he hated the idea of exposing skin. Of anyone seeing _his_ body again. He allowed Vict to see it because Vict was... well, he was Vict. But anyone else? Not happening.

He picked up the older boy's beer from the counter and made to walk back to him when he caught sight of Vict, who had also shed his t-shirt earlier, talking to some guy near the pool.

The group they'd been talking with had dispersed in his absence and now only Vict and the new guy remained. Alex didn't recall Vict introducing him when they'd arrived to the party so he assumed he didn't know him either. Great, a stranger. The blond stepped back behind the counter and watched from afar.

The new guy was talking animatedly and Vict was playing along. Laughing and replying to whatever the guy was talking about. He was a few inches taller than Vict and his tanned exposed torso was well defined. A pair of bright yellow trunks hugged his legs a bit too tightly and his hair was slicked back probably from having taken a dive into the pool. Apparently he was coercing Vict into joining the party in the water.

Unexplainably to him, when Vict actually sat down with his legs in the water, Alex put the beer can back on the counter and walked back into the house. He asked for directions to the bathroom and locked himself in it when the person currently using it finally got out.

He took one look at his reflexion on the mirror and cursed under his breath.

_ Idiot. _

_ You shouldn't have come here. _

The blond studied the skin of his arms and ran a hand all the way to his shoulder under the sleeve. His fingernails stratched the exposed skin on their way back down.

He took a step away from the sink and roughly pulled the t-shirt over his head. His eyes roamed over the pale skin.

Why couldn’t he be comfortable without a shirt on? Why was it so hard to even look?

_ It's ugly. _

The pale skin, the jagged marks.

Alex had stopped checking himself into the mirror right after Kiev. He hadn't wanted to understand why that man had chosen him. He still didn't. He also didn't understand why Vict would like him.

_ You're ugly. _

He had to be. He had to be ugly for someone like Serhiy to do what he'd done to him. For his first intimate experience to be like it was, for someone like that— a monster, a pervert , to have wanted him, for him to have been so uglily introduced to the confusing world of pleasure... he must be ugly.

And he really didn't understand why someone like Vict could set his eyes on someone like—

A knock on the door brought a halt to his spiraling thoughts. "Alex?"

The blond gasped and ran a hand through his hair.

"You in there?" 

Vict sounded... worried? He cleared his throat. "Ye-yeah. I'm here"

"Everything alright?"

"Yes. I'll be out in a minute"

But he wasn't out in a minute. He couldn't keep his eyes away from the mirror or his hand away from his chest. He'd been nervously scratching into the bullet wound scar so hard the skin was irritated. How long had he been in the bathroom already?

"Al, can I come in?"

_ Can you let him in? _ Why would he want to be in? Why had he noticed Alex in the first place? Why—

"Alex?"

Now he sounded really worried. Had he spaced out again? With a sigh, he reached over to unlock the door and open it just barely wide enough for Vict to fit through. When he locked it closed again, he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned into it.

Vict stared worriedly into his face. "Is something wrong?"

"I won't be getting into the pool with you" the blond offered as explanation for his odd behavior.

"That's fine. You don't have to get in if you don't want to"

"Then what's the point!?" of the pool, of the swim trunks, of coming here at all.

Vict frowned at his guarded stance. "To have fun? To talk to people, drink and eat some food. To do something different. You're not obligated to get into the water"

"You've been talking to someone alright" the blond murmured under his breath but Vict caught it anyway.

"That guy? I know him through Leyla. He was just... oh. _Oh_. Are you jealous?"

That was ridiculous. "No"

"You are" but Alex shook his head and leaned away from the door, untangling his arms to wave them around while he spoke.

"Why would I be? There's nothing to be jealous about, right? He's just all smiley and talkative, and he's taller than me, and he doesn't have any fucking mark in his stupid fucking body and he's fine without a fucking stupid shirt on!"

All through his outburst, Alex had begun scratching at his body again, leaving angry red marks over his ribs and stomach until Vict reached his hands to stop him from doing any more unconscious damage to himself.

The blond felt raw and exposed and about to have a panic attack that he really didn't want to deal with right now and he dislodged Vict's hold on him intent on putting his t-shirt back on. Vict stopped him with a hand on his chest, right over his rapidly beating heart and the irritated scar above it.

"Hey... what's going on?" his tone had gentled and his other hand found its residency at the back of his neck "Do you want us to go?"

Alex shook his head. "I want to be normal"

"You are—"

"No, I'm not! I'm boring and ugly, and I don't like parties and I don't like people watching me and I don't like interesting people talking to you"

"What interesting people?"

"That guy. And Linda and Lucas and _Reggi_ " he couldn't keep the contempt out of his voice.

"You really don't like people our age, do you?"

Alex sighed. "I'm just not like them. I don't enjoy the same things they do. I'm boring" and paranoid, and anxious, and self-conscious, and ugly. _Ugly ugly ugly_.

"And I wouldn't want you to be" Vict reached a hand to pull his chin up so their eyes could meet "If only you could see you the way I see you"

The blond stared dumbfounded at him.

"Alex, you're the least boring person I know. I mean, remember how we met and everything that happened afterwards? I'd say it doesn't get any less boring than that"

"That was then"

"And this is now. And right now I'm locked in a bathroom with the hottest guy around so you won't see me complaining, or bored" the blond scoffed and averted his gaze "Alex, you're not ugly. It's okay if you don't want to be shirtless in front of everybody but don't think you have to cover yourself up. Believe me, you're everything but ugly"

Alex eventually nodded and broke out of his hold. He didn't feel like discussing his self image in a stranger's house. They'd already done it enough.

Vict offered him his t-shirt back and Alex was glad to feel the garment fall into place. "Do you want to leave?"

"I promised you two hours"

"I don't care. We can go"

Alex shook his head adamantly. "I promised two hours and you promised dinner tonight"

"It's good to know Thai food can get me anything when it comes to you" Alex lightly shoved him away, relieved to feel his panic receeding away.

"I guess I can give this thing another try" 

"That's the spirit! Come on"

Before they left the room though, Alex tugged on Vict's sleeve. "But that guy better keep to himself. I'm not above marking territory at this point, you know?”

"We're into public displays of affection now, huh?" the older boy asked around a laugh. Alex couldn't help but feel lighter at hearing it. No matter how hard he broke down, Vict's smile could always bring him back.

"They asked for it"

"Come on. I have an idea"

Vict's idea included intertwining their fingers while they walked all the way back to the pool so Alex could sit over the edge with his legs dangling into the water. The only way Vict could convince him to stay put was by promising not to leave his side for the rest of the afternoon and fullfiling that promise by diving into the water himself and propping his arms over Alex's lap, leisurely kicking the water under the surface and occasionaly pressing a hand at the underside of the blond's knees.

People joined them over time and soon enough Alex found himself surrounded by Vict's friends and willingly participating on the conversation. If he needed to run his fingers constantly through Vict's hair to keep himself centered enough to participate, no one but Vict had to know.

And at the end of the day, if he didn't throw away the swim trunks like he'd planned to but carefully folded them into a drawer... well, nobody had to know either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I keep putting Alex through the ringer... but that’s what fanfiction is for right? Right? 🥴😂  
> I hope you liked this one! I had so much fun writing the scene where Alex and Vict go to buy the swim trunks, it was pretty funny :)


	3. It was all okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where someone says 'I love you' for the first time and Alex finally lets go of his past... kind of. Also, Alex talks to himself in this one, a lot.
> 
> Set exactly two years after “Should’ve known better”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever wondered what happened with Serhiy after “Should’ve known better”? Well, so has Alex! But looking into the guy can’t bring anything good for him, right?  
> It’s the second anniversary of Alex’s assault, so let’s see how he deals with it, shall we?
> 
> WARNINGS: angst, reference to past rape/non-con, explicit sexual content.

From the moment he opened his eyes, Alex just knew the day wasn't going to go well for him.

He woke up panting, gasping for breath and dripping wet from a sweat that had nothing to do with the warm july weather.

He glanced at the clock. 3:27 a.m. _Great_.

He rested a hand on his forehead, willing his heartrate to slow down. He was supposed to be over this! He sighed. He wouldn't be going back to sleep any time soon.

Last year hadn't been that bad, Alex thought as he got up from the bed and reached for his phone. 

The date was right. 

But this time it felt different. Last year he’d tried not to think about it, he’d tried to forget it, pretend it never happened. Now things were different. 

Over the past half year he’d have to come face to face with his fears and somehow find a way to live through them. Except it wasn’t exactly a face to face confrontation, was it? No. For that, he would’ve had to come face to face with the source of the problem himself and that’s not something he’d had the opportunity to do.

Somedays, the good days, he managed to forget his name, even his face for a few hours, but not a day went by where he didn’t wonder what had become of him. 

Serhiy Gryglewicz.

He’d never talked about it with Ben, his therapist or, God forbid, Vict, but he’d always had this urge to look him up and see what he’d find, to learn more about him. Something he had denied himself for the past two years now.

Two years… it was certainly long enough ago to safely appease his curiosity, right?

_ Right _ .

Alex flung the covers aside and reached for his laptop resting on the desk, he wiped the sweat from his forehead and turned it on.

_ Breathe, breathe. _

He typed in the words, holding his breath despite his own advice.

12.780 results.

First link.

_ Serhiy Gryglewicz _

_ Age: 49 _

_ Occupation: businessman _

_ Serhiy Gryglewicz, one of the most important businessman of the country has risen _

_ quickly from the shadows and into the public light. With expanding companies, Gryglewicz has begun to conquer other contries in Europe, wich include Germany, Austria, France, England— _

He stopped reading. The thought of that— that monster having business here, in England, was too much to bear.

_ Go back, click back. Images. Click. _

He enlarged a photograph and couldn't hold back a gasp when the face he'd had so many nightmares about stared back at him from the screen. Alex's heart was hammering in his chest. Why did he feel the need to look him up? To see again the man who had... who had violated him?

He picked another picture and there he was, smiling while shaking someone's hand. Not just anyone, though. The picture read it was Kiev's chief of police. He remembered Ben saying the man had the police department in his pocket. Disgusting.

Another picture. Serhiy inaugurating a building. Some foundation or another.

Alex kept scrolling down.

There he was, getting out of a car. There he was again, walking into a building. How could he be so famous and yet no one even suspected what he did? Did he do it regularly or had Alex been the first one? Given how things had played out, his _training_ , Alex thought it was safe to say he hadn't been the only one.

Down

Down

Down. There were hundreds of pictures.

Serhiy with a bunch of police officers.

Serhiy with a celebrity.

Serhiy wearing a suit.

Serhiy doing sports.

Serhiy surrounded by children.

Serhiy—

_ Wait. Go back, go back. _

The man was at the entrance of a school, surrounded by children of all ages, laughing and holding a few of them closer to him in an embrace. Alex could see the faces of the kids: innocent, laughing, unsuspecting. And one of the older ones, around his age when he was... when he was... _and how can he stand there? Acting like he cares for them when all he likes is to— what if he's taken any of those children? What if he's done to them the things he did to me? I'm sure I wasn't the only one. Why is he still free? I didn't do anything to stop him. No one did. He's free. He has them. Kids. Just kids. He's gonna hurt them and I didn't do anything, I just laid there. The kids. How many has he had? Ruined, broken. Killed? What if he's killed them? What if they're with him? Those kids. Just kids. What if—? How can—? He— free— here. He's not— why did— stop stop stop!_

Alex gasped and shut the laptop closed. He pressed his hands against his eyes while trying to control his breathing.

_ I'm fine. I'm fine. I have two arms and I have two legs. I can talk. I can walk. I'm fine. _

_ But they're not.  _ Said a little voice at the back of his head.

"Jesus" he whispered, getting up from the bed and pacing around his room.

How could he had been so selfish? He'd never thought about the possibility of Serhiy taking other kids. What if there were a lot of missing persons reports that matched the children surrounding him in that picture? What if by never accusing him, pressing charges, he'd just doomed whoever he took after him? _I just ran. I just ran and hid like a coward_ —

_ Stop it! It wasn't your responsibility _ , he told himself.

_ Maybe it was.. _ .

He glanced at the small clock on his bedside table. 4:05 a.m. Was it too early to go for a run? 

_ Who cares? _

He needed to do something.

Ten minutes later he was out the door, running down the stairs and setting a punishing pace that took him way beyond his usual mark and allowed his mind a reprieve from the dark thoughts circulating in it.

Alex forced himself to think about his breathing and only that. Breathe in once, breathe out twice. Breathe in once, breathe out twice. Nothing else mattered right now.

_ Except the children _ , he thought. _The children, their parents, their lives, their innocence, their future..._

He stopped abruptly, heaving breaths and resting his hands on his knees. He felt nauseated. He should keep moving though, walking forward or else he risked getting dizzy. Ending an excercise so abruptly was never good.

He straightened up and noticed for the first time the sun was already up. How long had he been running for? In the hurry to start moving, he hadn't taken his watch or his phone.

He sighed and turned to head back home.

He couldn't say the run had managed to clear his troubling thoughts, but at least it had taken care of his restless energy.

When he walked back into the apartment, he cursed his rotten luck.

"What are you doing up so early?" 

"Good morning to you too" Ben answered with a hint of sarcasm. He tended to sleep in on sundays and Alex had been counting on that to have time to compose himself without having to worry the older man about him "I'm making breakfast. Want anything in particular?"

"Not hungry" he muttered and tried to head for the safety of his room.

"You just ran a marathon, given the way you're sweating. You're eating something"

"I ate before" he lied, quickening his steps now that Ben was on his tail.

"Yeah, but you know you also have to eat after you run"

"Jeez Ben, I'm not hungry right now. Give it a rest!" he slammed the door to his room shut.

"Oookay" Ben answered reluctantly "You have an hour!" he yelled, making Alex sigh through the door.

An hour to cool himself down or risk facing the wrath of a worried brother.

Normally it wouldn't even take that long for him to calm down after a stressful situation. Today he wasn't so sure.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

He ended up eating more than he could stomach to ensure Ben would let him borrow the car. Not for the first time, Alex cursed the fact he couldn't just walk a few blocks to see Vict whenever he wanted. Now he had to rely on Ben's car and public transportation.

"I need it tomorrow to go to work, so don't stay the night!" Ben yelled while he walked out the front door, freshly showered and eaten. 

Alex didn't think he could wait until nightfall anyway.

While he'd been showering, he'd gotten this frightening urgent need to be with Vict that he couldn't shake no matter how much he tried to convince himself that today just wasn't the right day to be wanting _that_. He decided to throw caution aside though and just follow his instinct, and his instinct was taking him to Vict.

It was getting closer to noon, on a sunday, Alex figured the other boy must have just woken up and, sure enough, sleep was written all over his face when he answered the door.

"Hey" Vict said, who would've sounded surprised if it wasn't for the yawn stealing his words away for a second "I thought we were meeting later?"

"Is it okay if we hang now?" Alex asked, not wanting to impose himself if Vict wanted to be alone. But the older boy smiled and reached for him, pulling on his shirt to give him a peck on the lips and close the door behind him.

"Just let me get changed"

Alex stood awkwardly next to the front door, not sure exactly what he wanted to do or how to approach the subject. He sat on the couch.

A few minutes later Vict sat next to him with a bowl of cereal in one hand and the remote on the other one, turning on the blank tv Alex had been staring at.

"You hungry?" Vict asked around a mouthful.

"Ugh, no. I've eaten plenty today" it was Alex who started surfing through the channels.

"Sooo, what's up?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've got that face you put on when you're thinking too much about something, plus you're here early and you look tired. Trouble sleeping?" Alex stared at him dumbfounded. Had Vict gotten that good at seeing through him or was it just too easy to see through him nowadays? Great, now that was another thing to add to his list of worries. He sighed and rested his head back, staring at the ceiling.

"I realized something today" there was no point denying that something was up now.

"What's that?"

"I'm selfish" he confessed, turning his head to the right to see Vict's reaction. He should've expected it.

"You seriously need to stop overanalyzing yourself" but Alex just stared at him, waiting for more. Vict sighed "Why on earth would you think you're selfish?"

"I'm... I'm so caught up in all the bad things that have happened to me that I've pushed the rest of the world out of my mind" Vict frowned.

"You're not caught up in yourself. You care about other people too, right? Ben and his friends. Me?" Vict tried to reason with him, setting his finished cereal bowl on the coffee table.

"But what about the rest of the world? Shouldn't other people matter to us too?" he was beginning to sound way too philosophical. Vict looked like he was thinking his answer carefully.

"I think the world would be a better place if we all mattered to each other, but that's impossible" after a beat of silence, Alex spoke again.

"If you were in a position to do something about it, to... I don't know, _help_ people, wouldn't you be obligated to do it?" and hadn't Crawley said something like that the last time he'd seen him? _It would be irresponsible of you to deny your country the skill set you can offer. It is our duty to serve our country when we can_.

"I guess if you can, sure, but not at your own detriment" Vict shrugged and Alex felt him reach for his hand. "What brought this all on?" Alex smiled and shook his head.

"I've just been pensive today. Don't worry about it" Vict looked like he wanted to press the matter but relented when Alex asked what he'd liked to do next.

"Uhh, I don't know. Movie, popcorn, cuddling?" Alex laughed.

"Sounds like a plan"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Alex wasn't paying attention to the movie.

They were laying on Vict's bed, the bowl of popcorn long finished on the floor, and Alex couldn't stop thinking about his predicament. Maybe searching for Serhiy hadn't been such a good idea because now he had all those images stuck in his head and all the memories were coming back to the surface unwanted. Some random movie wasn't gonna be enough of a distraction. He needed something else.

He touched the screen of the tablet Vict was holding to check how much time the movie had left. Half an hour yet. Too much.

He looked up from were his head was resting on Vict's shoulder.

"Question" he called and when Vict turned his head, Alex caught his lips in a kiss. He continued to kiss his neck when Vict had to break apart for air. The older boy put the tablet aside and turned to face him "Is that a yes?" Alex asked.

"Oh yeah" Vict captured his lips again.

They were both panting in a matter of minutes, shirts already taken care of. It wasn't every day that Alex initiated their times together and he was thrilled that Vict was responding in kind.

Soon they were both naked, kissing and licking and grabbing. They'd gotten better at that sort of thing, teasing. _Alex_ had gotten better. But even though he was enjoying himself enough, there was still something at the back of his mind that always made him hold back. It was as if he was still afraid that the wrong move or the wrong touch would send him back on all the progress he'd made. He could tell Vict felt that way too.

Every time they were together Vict was always so careful, so gentle. So, so slow. Alex didn’t want to have to be so careful all the time. And it was all because of _him_.

Suddenly, he got an idea.

He'd been straddling Vict's hips, panting into the other boy's neck while they frotted against each other, when he got down from his place on top of Vict and laid down on his side, his back to him. He looked back and reached for Vict to invite him closer. The older boy stared in confusion for a moment before snaking an arm around him and pressing their bodies together once more. They'd never done this before. Vict had never been inside him entirely from behind. Today they were gonna change that.

If Vict had helped him accept his body as much as he had, doing with him things he never thought he'd be able to do, then he was safe enough to try and expel Serhiy from his mind once and for all.

Alex started moving back, driving his bottom into Vict's front while Vict kissed the back of his neck.

"Do you want to?" Vict asked. He always, always asked. That's why he knew this would be alright.

“Yes” he responded frantically, trying to control the waves of fear and arousal that were washing over him at the same time.

Vict reached into the drawer of his bedside table for a condom and the lube they liked to use. He squirted some into his hand, brought it down and searched for the blond's entrance. Alex moaned when he felt the fingers circling him but, fighting against everything that told him to just let Vict do what he knew how to do, he stopped the older boy before he could begin stretching him.

“I don’t need that today” he breathed out, pushing Vict's hand away. He felt the bed deepen when Vict hovered over him, his expression serious and determined.

“No, Alex. It'll hurt without it” he stated. Alex shook his head.

“I don't care. I want... I want you, just you” maybe this was what he needed to finally be able to let go. Noticing Vict's reluctance to agree, he emphasized his point by driving his bottom right back into him, eliciting a gasp from the other boy "Please"

“I don’t—”

“Victor, _please_ ” Alex wasn’t a hundred percent sure that this was going to solve anything. In fact, his plan might even backfire, but he had to try. He simply had to try.

After staring at him for what felt like forever, Vict resumed his position, putting on the condom quickly and coating more lube into himself.

He didn’t get to business inmediately, though. He laid behind Alex, embracing him and running a hand ever so gently down his chest, over his stomach and back up again. If Alex knew him at all, he knew Vict was gathering up the courage himself to do this.

Alex took advantage of those minutes to do something he normally wouldn't do during sex. He started stroking himself. Vict was taking too long and he needed something, anything, to keep himself more aroused than afraid of what was coming next. Alex’s nerves were so alive with anticipation that holding in his moans wasn’t something he was focusing on today.

Finally, he felt Vict position himself closer and Alex lifted his leg a little to give him more room.

When the tip of Vict's member made its way inside, Alex thought he'd actually be able to handle it. This wasn't so bad. But then the stretch became wider and wider and he knew Vict was large and he hadn't been prepared beforehand and his muscles were clamping and he knew he was resisting but he didn't want to and it was hurting and he whimpered, which made Vict hesitate.

"No, don't stop. Don't stop. Keep going" he panted, moving back and taking more of Vict in himself. As much as he didn't want to, his breathing was really loud and he couldn't hold back on a few complaints that scaped him once Vict breached every resistance and bottomed out.

"Shh, shh. It's okay. I'm in" Alex noticed that Vict was trembling, or maybe it was him who was trembling enough for the both of them "It's okay. You're okay. It's me" 

Had Vict figured out what he was trying to do? However it may be, Vict remained still, giving him the chance to adjust while he hugged him close from behind, Alex holding on to his arms.

But after just a few seconds, Alex began to move. He took a hold of himself once again and touched himself while squeezing Vict inside of him. The older boy groaned, digging his forehead into his back until he couldn't keep holding back. Vict started moving too.

"You okay?" he asked, always concerned, always careful, always gentle. Alex didn't want him to be gentle.

"Faster" was all he was able to get out in between pants.

"Sure?" the other boy was breathless as well.

"Yes... move... I'm... sure" the last word got caught in his throat when Vict pushed him further into his stomach, pressing his body down enough that Alex's hand got trapped where it had been, unable to keep moving it.

Alex took as huge a breath as he could and just went with it. The new position was frightening. Somehow, it felt dirty. It was also incredibly hot.

When Vict granted his request, Alex felt the pain turning into pleasure ever so slowly. He moaned a long high pitched sound while he dug his forehead into the matress, pillow long dislodged from its place and his free hand reaching back to clasp the other boy's neck, needing that bit extra of connection.

He had to turn his head to the side, or else he risked suffocating into the mattress, which brought Vict's mouth directly over his ear. Vict started whispering things to him.

"You're amazing... the best thing...that's ever happened...to me...you're...incredible..." the more he talked, saying all those loving things about him, the more turned on Alex got, which was incredibly surprising since Alex tended to not be able to understand or even remember Vict's mumbling during sex. But his mind was sharper than it'd ever been and somehow he felt entirely _there_ , and not just half conscious. He was okay.

Vict's pace became faster, the older boy clinging to him like his life depended on it while they moved almost desperately. They were both close. Alex didn't mind if it ended quicker than usual. When his orgasm hit him, he didn't hold back, gasping in and then shouting out into the sheets because _oh my God that's so freaking good!_

Vict chose to bite him on the shoulder while he groaned his release too. Alex shuddered and trembled and twitched while he came down from his high and he barely even felt it when Vict pulled out of him to slump on his side.

Without Vict's weight on top of him, Alex was able to free his hand from underneath him and look at the pool of white gathered on the sheets. He nudged Vict to move closer to the edge so Alex wouldn't get any more of it into himself when he laid down next to his still panting boyfriend.

"That... was... fucking... amazing" Vict said, glancing leisurely back at him. Alex smiled and put his arm and leg over him, trapping Vict closer to him.

"I don't think I can do it again for a while" the blond said, knowing Vict would understand.

"Me neither" they laughed "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay" 

They stayed like that for a while, neither one daring to break the kind of spell that had fallen between them, until Vict turned to face him and regarded him with excited eyes.

"Don't freak out..." he started, which couldn't exactly bode well for Alex, so he braced himself "But I may or may not be thinking that I'm starting to begin to maaaaybe fall a little bit in love with you" and then it all came crashing back.

_ No. No! _ He couldn't be saying this today. _Not today!_

Alex stared for the exact amount of three seconds before he pushed himself off the bed, dislodging Vict's hold of him and trying, unsuccessfully, to hide the suspicious brightening of his eyes. Vict scrambled up after him, reaching him before he could completely leave the bed. They sat at the edge.

"What is it? Look, I'm sorry. You don't have to say it back. I shouldn't have—" but Alex interrupted him before he could continue with his frenzied apologies.

"That's not it" he said around a sniffle.

"What is it then?" Vict asked, putting an arm around his neck to force him to look at him. He did.

"I'm happy" _I shouldn't be happy. Not today "_ I'm really happy and I haven't been this happy in a really long time"

"So that's good, right?" Alex shook his head but he didn't break eye contact.

"It scares the shit out of me! Because it's only a matter of time before something ruins that, or before I do" he said with finality. Vict put a hand on either side of his face and held it within inches of his own.

"I can't promise you we're gonna be together forever. I'd rather not try and pretend that real life is like a movie, but right here and right now we're good and we're happy and it's okay if you're not ready to say that you love me, but _I_ am. And I'm gonna say it while I have the chance and while we have the time. I love you. Right here, right now. I love you"

Alex stared mersmerized for a whole of two seconds before he crashed his lips into Vict's and pushed him down towards the bed again. Boy if he wasn't riding with his emotions today...

They were kissing, and Alex definitely wasn't crying. Definitely. And they were moving again, all sweaty skin against sweaty skin and Alex wasn't even thinking about it. He wasn't thinking about anything other than the boy underneath him and the fact that that boy loved him. He _loved_ him.

"I thought you said you weren't gonna do it for a while" Vict said, moving up to meet Alex's thrusts so their reawakened erections would rub together more.

"It's been a while" Alex said and laughed when Vict growled and attacked his lips.

They kept moving and moving and moving, content with doing nothing more than that until they were both coming again, holding into each other while they shook. Alex had never had an orgasm that close to a previous one. It was probably safe to say that he was spent. He chuckled at his own thoughts.

"How is it that every time we do it it's better than the last?" he asked, letting his head rest on Vict's chest.

"They say practice makes perfect"

"So you're saying the more we do it, the better it'll get?"

"That's eeeexactly what I'm saying"

Alex chuckled again.

He knew they'd have to get up and clean themselves up soon. Change the sheets. Drink some water and rehydrate. But right here, right now, there was peace and he wasn't worrying about anything else.

The only thing he could concentrate enough on was the fact he could be so open and accepted by the arms that currently held him. He was amazed at how much he could just be himself with Vict. And he was a mixture of terrible experiences and painful accomplishments. He liked sex as much as he feared it. He had hormones, just as everyone did, and urges and curiosity and feelings and needs and that was all okay, because Vict got it. He got _him_ and he loved _him_. Whatever mixture of crazy things he got going on inside his mind and body, it was all okay.

It was all okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone else love Vict as much as I (and Alex) do? I can’t even begin to describe how much I care about this character.


	4. We get naked and we do it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As opposed to what the tittle says... they do not get naked and do it. But they talk about.  
> Oh boy do they talk about it 😈

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have absolutely no self-control. I needed to post all the One-shots today.  
> I had a blast writing this one and we’re taking a step back in time and going to a moment really early on in their relationship.  
> This takes place soon after their first time (which would be chapter 23 of “Does he know better?” I think). In any case, it happens waaaay before the epilogue of that story.
> 
> WARNINGS: I guess I could say smut? But just read and see for yourselves :)

Alex wasn’t sure how they ended up talking about it. 

He couldn’t even remember the exact words of the comment that had started it all. He just knew that for a change, he’d been feeling pretty bold that day and as a result he’d made a joke full of innuendos and double meanings that made their conversation take an unexpected turn.

And they were in public! They’d just finished having lunch at a very crowded pizza place, after much insistance from Vict who’d claimed to have had an unshakable crave for the thing. 

Alex made a mental note never to try and be flirtatious again. It just wasn’t his thing.

“Are you mad?” he asked, half expecting the answer to be _Yes! How could you forget something like that?_ So he purposfully kept his head down, staring at the napking he’d been playing with for the last five minutes.

“What? No! It’s just… it’s a shame you can’t remember those things” Vict answered instead and his tone wasn’t mean or reprochefull. It was sincere, if only slightly dissappointed.

Alex was making an effort, he really was, to remember some— _any_ of the things Vict mentioned they did whenever they spent the night together. He’d known from the beginning that he had trouble focusing every time they were intimate but he didn't think his memory would he so affected by it.

After their first time, Alex's issues hadn't all disappeared. Granted, he'd never passed out again but he also wasn't completely there, not like he would've liked to and certainly not enough to remember every minute of it.

“But, you know what? That's okay” Vict announced with a sudden excitement that made Alex’s attention snap back to him “Because now I get to tell you all about it” 

His stomach rolled around a few laps and he glanced around them to make sure no one was being privy of their conversation. Then he lowered his voice.

“It's not like there's much to tell. We get naked and we do it” and he honestly believed that. He wasn’t going to lie to himself saying he didn’t enjoy it, but he always preferred the moments right before and after the act, the in between still being all new and frightening to him. Vict’s loud snort let him know the other boy didn’t share his opinion.

“Not much to tell? Alex, a million things happen every time we're together” instead of getting angry or feeling offended by Alex’s view of the intimate aspect of their relationship, Vict regarded him with a kind smile while reaching for his hand, making Alex drop the dirty napkin to place his hand on top of Vict’s opened one “Like this, for example. Your fingers twitch every time you pull at my clothes, as if you’re not sure you have permission to do so”

Alex watched as Vict tapped every one of his fingers before closing the blond's fist within his own.

"Your hands clutch the sheets when I kiss your neck" 

Alex could feel his cheeks getting warm, definitely turning red and he glanced around nerviously again but no one seemed to be paying them any attention. Then he focused his eyes back on Vict, who was watching him with something aching to amusement in his eyes. 

The blond shivered when Vict ran the tip of his fingers up his arm until he reached the elbow and tugged to make him lean over the table towards him.

"You lean on your elbows to stare down at me while I go down on you and then drop back on the bed when I reach between your legs"

Now Alex was barely thinking about the other costumers on the place, keeping his focus solely on Vict who was replaying with a scary amount of detail the things Alex was usually too dizzy to remember. 

The other boy kept talking.

"You close your eyes the moment I touch you and you hold your breath during the whole time _I_ don't breathe"

As if on cue, Alex's breath hitched and he continued to gaze into the older boy's eyes completely mesmerized by his words. Their hands were still touching and Alex felt his palms beginning to sweat.

He could picture everything Vict was describing. Him spread on the bed, the other boy between his legs. It was like Vict's words were bringing forth the images his brain usually kept as a blur. Now he could see them clearly in high definition.

Vict's next words made him shiver again.

"You're sensitive. Like really sensitive. And you try to stay silent through all of this but you can never get past the nipples" Alex was glad to notice Vict had also dropped his voice so that only he could hear him. The blond appreciated the consideration but, at this point, he was pretty sure Vict could have been screaming at the top of his lungs and he wouldn't have cared as long as he kept talking. He squeezed the other boy's hand that hadn't stopped playing with his fingers "You make this small almost choking sound when I’m on them and then tap my shoulders when you think you can't take it anymore or when you actually want more"

Vict’s eyes weren’t locked on Alex’s. They were roaming every inch of his body, not in a lustful way, Alex noticed, but as if Vict was recalling a different memory every time he focused on a particular part of it.

Alex continued to be speechless.

“Then it’s like some restraint is broken and you get louder when I go down on you again. By this point you seem to be almost relaxed, until I reach too far down and you tense up all over again. That’s how I know you’re not ready for me to do that to you yet and that’s usually your cue for wanting to change roles for a while”

Alex knew he wasn’t the easiest person to handle when it came to intimacy. There were many things he didn’t let the other boy try because he was afraid it might send him back on all the progress he’d made so far. He did remember that every time Vict tried to run his tongue over _there_ , he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and not in a good way. Having a panic attack in the middle of the night when they were doing it wasn’t something he considered sexy. Unfortunately, that happening was a very real possibility.

He jumped when his chair was suddenly tripped from behind. A family looking for a table had walked so close to theirs that one of the kids had bumped against it. Nothing like the picture of a little perfect family to remind him that they were talking about sex in the middle of a sea of people!

Vict wasn’t deterred though, merely leaning forward closer to him as the only sign of him acknowleding Alex’s slight distress.

“You shower me with kisses, taking things slow for a while and driving me crazy, but I like it. Builds up anticipation”

“You hold on to my hands like this…” he continued, taking a hold of now both Alex’s hands and intertwining their fingers “…when it’s my turn to lay down and I squeeze them every few minutes to ask if you’re okay. You always squeeze back. I loose sight of you for a moment when you’re working on me and let me tell you, you’re very good at it, blowing more than just my mind” Vict sent him a devilish smile and a wink and Alex turned several shades of red. The other boy took that moment as an opportunity to let go of his hands and lean back on his seat with a smug look on his face “So, you see? There are plenty of things that happen when we do it”

The blond felt the loss of Vict’s hold as if someone had just removed him of his lifeline. Was Vict even aware of what he did every time he talked to Alex that way? Was the smug look on his face proof that he was?

Alex wasn’t used to talking so openly about things like nipples and blowjobs and moans. He’d always been kind of conservative that way and after Kiev happened, he felt as though talking about it was somehow filthy and inmoral. But the way Vict was talking now, he didn’t make it sound dirty or wrong, not entirely anyway. He talked about being together that way in such a loving, gentle and yet _teasing_ way that Alex’s mind couldn't help but be hooked and he didn’t want the conversation to stop. He also wanted to reach for Vict’s hands again, needing the contact to feel tethered.

Dimly aware of the backround noise of people talking, laughing and eating, Alex scooted his chair closer to the table and dropped his hands beside Vict’s plate, giving him the hint to take them in his own again.

“W-what else is there?” this time, the smile Vict gave him wasn’t smug or self-satisfied. It was kind. The older boy considered his question for a moment, looking at his body as if deciding what part of it he’d talked about next.

“This” he said, signaling to his middle “You tighten your stomach when I use my fingers” _holy hell_ , was Alex's only thought along with a few butterflies spurting to life in his gut “It takes a while to stretch you but I don’t mind the wait. You frown your eyebrows until you get used to it and then relax some again. Now don't get me started on what happens once I'm inside you because I could go on for hours”

Alex didn't say anything back. He watched Vict expectantly, waiting for him to continue on his own. They were reaching the most blurred parts of his memory, the part where the things he could actually remember strongly were the unbearable arousal, the slight pain and the wild beating of his heart. Never the details. He’s never aware of time or space. He doesn’t know how long it takes them to do it, minutes or hours. The only thing he remembers clearly is holding on to the other boy for dear life until the rush is over and his mind clears again. A part of him is always proud for managing to not pass out and the other one is just too tired to think of anything else. He does know they fall asleep pretty quickly after that.

He continued to stare at Vict silently until the other boy finally caved and let out a blissful sigh, thankfully taking the hint and intertwining their fingers once again.

“You hug me closer to you and hide your face on my shoulder. We take it slow at the beginning until you adjust to me and then we change positions because I think you're more comfortable when you ride me”

And once again, Alex felt himself blushing at the boldness of the words. Then he noticed Vict’s tone had dropped at least an octave and he continued to speak with a flustered edge in his voice.

“The way you move, and the way you feel inside… You breathe loudly and your arms shake when you try to stay sitting upright but I like it when you just lay on top of me. That way I can talk to you while we move”

"That's what I can never remember" Alex said, clearing his throat, his voice adopting an apologetic tone "I think I hear you talking but I don't know what about" Vict's thumb began to distractedly rub circles in the palm of his hand.

"Mostly I just mumble nonsense I guess. Once in a while I tell you how great you are or how good it feels" oh, how Alex wished they could be alone right now.

Alex envied the way Vict could talk about it so freely. He wondered if it was because he felt comfortable talking to him or if it was just normal to do so, normal for everyone except Alex, he thought.

"...I make sure you're okay when I know you're about to get there and then after, when usually you're too tired to answer back" the other boy finished, sparking Alex's curiosity towards another matter.

"How... how do you know? When I'm about to... you know" he blushed furiously and stammered on his question but he figured if he couldn't talk about it with Vict, the one he did it with, then what was the point of a relationship?

The other boy shrugged.

"Your skin. Your neck and chest turn incredibly red from the strain, I suppose. Usually you come pretty quickly after that" the blond swallowed.

"How can you pay attention to all of that?" 

"I like watching you" Vict answered matter of factly. Alex could hear the sincerity behind the comment and he smiled softly before dropping his gaze back to the table.

"Does it bother you? That I can't do that?"

"Not really. I understand you worry about other things when we do it" _mainly not passing out,_ the blond thought bitterly.

"It's not fair to you" 

"Says who? I think it's just how it is" Alex wasn't sure how to answer that, so he remained silent "You'll get better at it and even if you don't, I'm okay with that"

Alex looked up and smiled gratefully at him. Vict had never, ever presured him and even though Alex's insecurities sometimes got the better of him, thinking Vict would someday leave him for not being as experienced or comfortable with sex as he should, the other boy always managed to remind him that he had nothing to worry about.

Alex lifted himself off his chair and leaned over the table to plant a kiss on Vict's lips. The other boy responded in kind before pulling away and glancing somewhere behind Alex.

"We should go. Someone's waiting for the table"

Sure enough, a couple was standing awkwardy behind him with their trays at hand waiting for them to leave. They'd finished eating a while ago but had gotten caught up in their conversation.

"Right"

They gathered their plates and quickly cleared the table.

On their way out, Alex slipped his hand into Vict's.

"Are we going back to your place?" the blond asked. Vict didn't even had to answer for him to know that's exactly where they were headed. They turned a corner and began walking in the direction of Vict's new apartment.

"You think you'll be able to remember everything this time?" his voice had adopted that particular tone of teasing that made Alex feel both enfuriated and all gooey inside.

"Let's find out" Vict grinned at him and Alex was happy to notice at least his second try at flirting hadn't been as awkward as the first. At least it seemed to have the desired effect.

"That's my boy" Vict joked and pulled him along.

The hairs at the back of his head stood on end and Alex felt a tug in his gut at Vict's choice of words.

They walked alongside silently for a few minutes while Alex processed his feelings.

Somehow the words made him feel warm inside. Not in an aroused kind of way, at least not entirely, but in a way that made him feel part of something, of _someone_. He felt like he had indeed a place in their relationship and that maybe, just maybe, the thought of ownership wasn't something to be afraid of anymore.

He tugged on Vict's arm to call his attention and bring him closer. The blond then surprised him with a passionate kiss, heedless of the fact they were standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk and that people had to stop and walk around them for as long as the kiss lasted.

When they broke apart, Vict had a dazed look on his face and a silly smile that he sported all the way to his place.

Alex had the sudden impulse to tell him exactly how he felt about him. Using the words that would let him know how much he cared for him, but he stopped himself just in time. Not because he doubted his feelings, but because of how dangerous those feelings were. The fact that he'd been slightly aroused by Vict's last comment instead of freaked out being proof enough of that.

They continued to be on their way. Alex supposed they were both excited about what the afternoon entailed and he was glad it had been some time since the last time they did it. That meant he'd be able to go through it without any major hitch.

And, who knew? Maybe this time he would be able to remember it all. He would certainly pay attention to the details Vict had just spent the past half hour explaining. After all, he didn't want Vict's efforts to be wasted.

Optimistic as he felt, Alex let himself be guided into Vict's apartment with the sole purpose of proving to the other boy how much he felt about him in the best way that he could: by letting himself drop his guard enough for them to be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh to be young and in love... and talking about sex in a place full of people and pizza, lol.
> 
> That’s it with the One-shots for now. The next part of the series is another multi-chapter story that I’d like to start posting soon.
> 
> Any comments on these One-shots first? I’d love to know your opinion of them :D
> 
> See you with the next story!


	5. One day at a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month after his kidnapping, Vict is feeling restless and tries to work through some of that restless energy with Alex in bed. But things get a bit out of control and they both end up getting hurt in the process. Despite all, Alex and Vict love each other, so everything turns out fine, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here’s the newest oneshot. It took some time to edit into something somewhat presentable but finally it’s here.
> 
> WARNINGS: please keep in mind that this oneshot is INTENSE and really, really explicit. It’s M rated for a reason folks! Also, it deals with an uncomfortable situation for Alex and a lot of angst for Vict. BUT, rest asured, it has a happy ending (a reeeaaally happy ending, if you know what I mean). So, read at your own caution.

Victor angrily threw the refrigerator door shut and cursed when the hard metal caught his knee because he’d been standing too close for it to close properly, the sharp pain only managing to intensify the feeling of anxiety he’d had for the past hour or so.

“You okay?” Alex asked from where he was sprawled on the couch watching a football game Victor just wasn’t focused enough to follow.

He mumbled a grunted reply and properly slammed the refrigerator door closed this time before walking to his bedroom and making sure everything was ready for the next day.

Victor knew it was stupid to get so worked up about forgetting to buy milk for tomorrow’s breakfast but he’d spent days planning to make sure everything was set for his first day working at the garage and right now it was just too late on a Sunday night for anything to be open.

Once inside his room, he double checked his clothes and his bag so there wouldn’t be any more surprises. The clock on his bedside table only made his heart caught tighter in his throat and his stomach to feel like it was free falling from a twenty-story building.

Why did he feel so agitated? Everyone got nervous on their first day at work, but this kind of nervous?

“Hey…” he jumped when he felt a hand travel from his shoulder to his chest where another one met it to gather him in an embrace from behind. He hand’t even heard Alex following him into the room. “Are you okay?”

Victor leaned back into Alex’s body and tried unsuccessfully to slow down his breathing and his racing heart, digging his fingers into the smaller boy’s arms.

“What is it?” Alex asked, no doubt picking up on his agitation.

But Victor didn’t answer, opting instead to pry his boyfriend’s arms open and turn around in his embrace so that they were now facing each other.

Victor leaned in and kissed him. He needed to do something, anything, to keep his mind from running wild and if his body wanted to be worked up about something, he might as well just give it a reason to. He cupped a hand at the back of Alex’s neck and pressed their lips together a few times before deepening the kiss. He didn’t ask for silent permission before his tongue found its way into Alex’s mouth and started hungrily wrestling with his. He figured if Alex didn’t want to, then he would say something or step away.

He didn’t.

Victor tangled his fingers in the golden locks and fisted his hand to prevent Alex from breaking the kiss even though he was starting to need some oxygen himself. Kissing Alex had always felt so intoxicating that he could never get enough of it.

Finally, he was the one who draw back from the kiss first if only to attack the blond’s neck, leaving Alex, and himself, gasping for breath.

He kissed so fast and sucked so hard on the place he knew drove his boyfriend crazy, just below his jawline, that Alex was digging his nails into Victor's arms in no time.

Victor pushed Alex against the wardrobe and reclaimed his lips to engage him in another bruising kiss. Victor had been aroused so quickly during the first kiss that he was letting himself be guided by his desire and he desired to be inside Alex right now. The mere thought of thrusting in and out of that heavenly tight space made his pants feel even tighter.

Alex must have caught on to his intentions, not that his actions could've been mistaken with anything else, because he started pulling on his t-shirt until Victor lifted his arms and they had to break their kiss to get the garment off of him. Victor decided to take that as a sign of consent and went to remove the blond from his clothes as well.

He remembered a time when Alex felt so embarrassed at being naked in front of him that coaxing him out of his shirt was a slow process of reassurances and kind words. Right now though, words weren't needed as Alex disposed of his t-shirt and began fumbling with the buckle of his jeans. Victor had been wearing a pair of sweats, so he only had to shrug them down and step out of them.

Usually they took more time undressing each other, making the process part of their teasing. They liked to have fun when they were together, having passed that state of their relationship in which having sex was scary and new. Now they laughed and teased and tickled each other just to banter their way into nakedness before starting to seriously touch each other.

They weren't doing any of that now. They were skipping straight to the part where the moans couldn't be held back and their actions became a bit more desperate.

Victor was kissing Alex again, driving a thigh in between Alex's legs and swallowing the moan the blond let out when he started thrusting his hips against his. Both their cocks had been fully hard for a few minutes now despite not having been directly touched yet. Victor was driving his hips into Alex hard, needing the friction of their cocks rubbing together between their stomachs to alleviate some of the pressure he was feeling inside. It wasn't enough.

Without warning, he pulled Alex away from the wardrobe and guided him towards the bed, taking his place right between his legs while they continued to kiss.

Normally, Victor wouldn't be so rough while handling him, having pushed Alex into the bed a little harder that necessary and then yanking his body upper towards the pillows instead of asking him to move on his own, but the agitation he'd been feeling earlier had turned into some kind of desperation and pent up energy that he just didn't know what to do with. He growled in frustration and attacked Alex's neck again with his mouth. He figured if Alex was uncomfortable with how fast things were going tonight, he would've said something by now.

Alex hissed when Victor's mouth went from his neck to sucking on his nipples, something Victor knew turned him on as quickly as flicking a switch. He arched his back and let out a whimper when Victor bit one and then licked the sting away. Alex was already trembling beneath him. Victor loved the way Alex just let himself open and vulnerable for him. He would moan and groan and gasp when prodded in all the right places, bucking his hips when he felt he needed to and arching his back when he felt that Victor's ministrations were driving him crazy. He'd once confessed to Victor how desperate his touch could make him feel. A good kind of desperate, he'd said.

Remembering those words had Victor spurting into action again and releasing his boyfriend's nipples to go straight to his so far untouched cock. Again, he didn't tease or work his way down with gentle kisses and small licks. Once he got there, he took Alex into his mouth and swallowed all the way down to the base.

"Holy fffff–!" Alex gasped and jumped off the bed before dropping back down and digging the back of his head into the pillow. He tried to take a hold of Victor's hair but Victor offered him his hands instead, intertwining their fingers and keeping Alex's hands away.

He made quick work of his boyfriend. He would bob his head up until just the head was inside his mouth and he would lap vigorously at it with his tongue until Alex was writhing and then he would take him whole back into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks and humming when he felt his nose diving into the blond pubic hairs at the lowest part of his stomach.

Alex groaned and bucked his hips, squeezing Vict's hands almost painfuly when he repeated the process until he felt the blond was breathless enough to continue.

Victor had been ignoring his own aching hard on but he couldn't deny how much hearing Alex panting for breath turned him on. Instead of making Alex desperate for his touch, he'd made himself desperate for the warm place that Alex reserved only for him and he didn't want to wait any longer.

He released his boyfriend's cock with a loud pop, and the blond's hands, also released from their hold, hovered over himself as if too sensitive to allow another touch for the moment.

Victor could still hear Alex panting as he disentangled himself from him and he could feel his eyes following his movements as he fished the bottle of lube and a condom from the drawer on his nightstand.

Victor's hands were trembling when he rolled the condom down his length and he avoided meeting Alex's eyes after he refused the other boy's offer to put in on for him. Over time, Alex had begun to develop more self confidence when they were in bed together and he went from avoiding the task of putting the condom on him to be the one who did it every time. So maybe it was a testament to how out of sorts Victor felt today that he'd decided to skip that part of their routine as well.

Alex didn't insist though, just watching him through the quick process of lubing himsef up in order to proceed.

When he felt he was ready, Victor climbed on top of the blond and kissed him until they were breathless once again. He didn't know why it was, but the mere thought of a breathless Alex always, always, got to him. Victor trapped Alex's hands above his head while they frotted against each other, both boys moaning into each other's mouth until Alex was trembling again and Victor just couldn't keep waiting.

He let go of the blond's hands and reached down to stroke his boyfriend a few more times before grabbing the back of his left knee and pulling the leg up to rest over his shoulder. He heard Alex's quick intake of breath and hurried to line himself up into his entrance.

He made sure again to be lubricated enough before pushing his way in.

Victor had one arm at the side of Alex's leg and he placed the other one at the back of the blond's neck, hiding his own face into the crook of his neck and letting out an almost sinful moan when he felt the tight heat of Alex's hole surrounding him. Alex hugged himself closer to him and dug his nails sharply into his back.

Victor had made sure to enter slowly, paying only half of his mind to the fact it had been harder than usual to get past every barrier inside the blond, but he didn't wait for Alex to adjust to the intrusion like he always did, instead slipping half way out before entering again slightly faster than the first time.

He groaned into the other's boy neck because the pressure on his cock felt so wonderfuly right that the general restlessness he'd been feeling earlier had finally managed to subside some to give his body space to be satysfied. He pulled out of his boyfriend again and thrusted back in as deep as he could go.

Victor wasn't holding out on his sounds of pleasure, not that he ever did, but he frowned when he noticed a rather important part of his arousal wasn't present. Alex hadn't made a sound for a while. Was he doing something wrong? Was he not giving his boyfriend enough pleasure? Victor placed his mouth under Alex's jawline and sucked on the spot he was so sensitive about. Maybe that would help him enjoy himself more.

Victor kept thrusting in and out of Alex, now determined to find that elusive spot inside of him that he was sure would make his boyfriend see stars, and he usually would've found it by now, except Alex wasn't giving any indication of his success.

Frustrated at himself, Victor drove himself harder into the blond, angling his hips just right at the last minute, sure he would finally hit it because that's what he always did when he found it.

When Alex finally made a sound, it was because a whimper tore out of his mouth. Victor smiled triumphantly and buried himself deep into him again but the sound that followed made him freeze on the spot.

A sob.

Victor stilled his movements and breathed heavily on top of Alex who was trembling underneath him to the point of shaking.

Another sob tore free from his boyfriend and that's when he noticed the really sharp grip of the fingers on his shoulders.

"Alex?" the older boy propped himself up with his arms to look at his boyfriend and what he saw made his stomach drop.

Alex had his head turned to the side with a frown and a pained expression on his face. He was biting his lower lip as if to keep himself from crying out and tears were threatening to spill from his eyes. Suddenly, Victor's rapid breathing had nothing to do with his arousal but with a wave if fear taking a hold of his heart.

"A-Alex. I'm gonna pull out, okay?" the blond didn't speak but nodded his head marginally.

Victor steeled himself and pulled slowly out of him, only now just realizing exactly how tight Alex was around him. Alex's muscles clenched even tighter and the head of his cock caught at the entrance, making Alex hiss and clech his eyes shut.

What he saw painting the condom made his insides boil.

"You're bleeding" he stated in disbelief as if saying it out loud would somehow make sense of it.

Alex's entrance was twitching in time with his trembling body and he was fisting the sheets underneath him now that he didn't have Victor to hold on to.

Victor's mind sharpened at the sight of his boyfriend's pain and that's when he remembered that in his restless state he hadn't taken the time to prepare Alex before entering him. He hadn't stretched him and he hadn't even given him time to adjust to his member before he'd rammed himself brutally inside thinking he wasn't doing enough to get him off. He'd been so rough.

Victor glanced at the red still painting the condom and he quickly took it off. His movements panicked and rushed. He just wanted to get the reminder of his carelessness away from himself.

He looked at Alex, who had lost some of the tension in his face but not the tightness of his lips. Victor could now notice that the blond had almost cut into his lower lip with how hard he'd bitten down.

He couldn't believe he hadn't stopped sooner.

"You're supposed to tell me if it hurts" he said, a little harsher than intended. He'd been feeling so anxious and stressed that day that he couldn't even control the way he spoke to his hurting boyfriend.

The blond didn't answer. He wiped at the unshead tears in his eyes and slowly sat up, wincing at the movement.

"I'm fine" he finally said with a strained voice and the fact he'd used the mechanical answer he gave whenever he _wasn't_ fine, made Victor lose the little control he'd managed to regain over his raging emotions.

"No, you're not! You're fucking bleeding!" the blond wasn't looking at him. Victor snarled at himself and jumped off the bed to pace around the room. If he could, he would've driven a fist to the wall but thankfully he was smart enough to know the action would only spook his boyfriend. If only his mouth could have the same consideration. "Don't ever let me get like that with you again" he spat, running a hand through his hair in the hopes to calm down some.

"I'm sorry" the blond whispered and suddenly all fight left him. He stared unbelievingly at Alex who was looking at him with such a vulnerable expression Victor wasn't sure he could hold his gaze any longer.

"You're—" he was shocked into silence. If anything, he was the one who should be apologizing, not Alex. So on top of hurting him, he'd managed to make him feel responsible for it too. _Way to go, asshole_.

He approached the bed slowly and sat next to him. He offered a hand for Alex to take and though for a moment he feared the blond would reject him, he reached out and took a hold of his hand too.

"Let's go" Victor said and gently coaxed him to stand up.

"Where?" Alex asked even as he followed Victor's lead and stood up from the bed. He tried to hide the wince it caused but Victor saw it before he could.

"Let's get you cleaned up"

Alex followed him wordlessly into the bathroom.

The blond didn't say anything else as Victor turned on the shower and waited for the temperature of the water to be pleasantly warm before taking Alex's hand again and guiding him inside.

He was glad to notice Alex wasn't shying away from his touch but the uncertain expression on his face made the guilt eating him inside spike to uncharted levels.

They stepped directly under the spray of the shower and despite the warm water and the steam beginning to suround them, Alex shivered.

It was the blond who finally made eye contact with him again and got on his tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek and whisper in his ear that he was okay before enveloping Victor in a hug. Neither of them were turned on anymore, so Victor's body didn't tingle with the contact. Instead, he settled with running a hand up and down the blond's back in a soothing manner.

He couldn't believe he'd been so caught up in his own needs earlier that he'd allowed himself to be so rough that he made his boyfriend bleed.

He knew they weren't always so gentle when they were together, but Victor had never been anything other than careful except for the few times Alex had actually asked for it. But to have thrown himself at him like that and taking him by surprise was simply unforgivable.

Victor sighed into Alex's shoulder and stepped away from the hug.

"Come on" he instructed. "Bend over a bit"

Alex complied when he explained what he would do to clean him up from the blood inside him. Victor understood there wasn't even that much blood when he'd pulled out of him, but even the smallest of traces was just too much and it weighted heavily on his conscience.

The shower wasn't really big but it allowed Alex to lean his arm on the wall and rest his forehead on it while bending at the waist and sticking his lower half out under the water. Victor placed loving kisses on his back until he was kneeling behind Alex and carressed his cheeks a few times. He ran a finger up and down Alex's crack, the touch pretending to be nothing more than a soothing gesture. He picked up the soap and coated his hand before washing the blond's backside of any trace of lube and blood on the outside.

He knew there wasn't much he could do for the damage inside, but he would try to clean it as best as he could. Making sure his fingers were free of any soap residues, he warned Alex before gently and ever so slowly inserting a finger inside. A few rubs of his finger with clean water should do the trick.

Victor's heart clenched when Alex let out a hiss and clamped his muscles around the invasion so tightly he could barely pull his finger out again to rinse it. When he did it a second time, Victor's eyes burned at the resistance Alex's body was showing on its own. He'd had to work so hard to gain Alex's trust enough for the blond to allow someone else to touch him or even just see him after what that horrible man had done to him. But after their first time, Alex's body had never shown signs of rejection before. Not like this. Not like the way his hole was clamping shut to not even allow one finger to slide smoothly inside. So he kissed one of his boyfriend's cheeks and withdrew his finger gently, not having the heart to repeat the process again. He guessed those two tries would have to be enough to acomplish his goal.

He didn't get up immediately though.

Down there, on his knees, with Alex still trusting him enough to let him care for him after what he'd done, Victor felt the anxiety creeping back on him and his senses tingled with how vulnerable a position he found himself in.

He'd hurt Alex. He'd hurt Alex in a way he'd sworn he'd never do. And Alex was still there, still with him and he'd even apologized because Victor had been so insensitive to yell at him afterwards. He was never going to forgive himself for this. He'd _hurt_ Alex.

When the first sob broke through, he hadn't even realized he'd ended up sitting on the shower floor, water raining down from above and his head hiding right next to Alex's leg. His eyes were screwed shut and he gasped through the next sob that tore through his frame. He felt Alex quickly turning around and kneeling in front of him.

"I'm s-sorry" he managed in between hiccups. "I'm s-so sorry"

"It's okay" Alex shushed and gathered him in a bone crushing hug. Victor clinged desperately to him and didn't do anything to stalve his heartbreaking sobs. He cried into the blond's shoulder while he held him and assured him that he was fine, his tears mixing with the water raining down on them both. Victor shook his head at every word Alex spoke.

"I would never— I didn't— I'm so sorry. Please, I'm... pl-please" he broke down crying even harder, feeling like he was the worst person in the universe and that he didn't deserve Alex's forgiveness even when he was openly begging for it. Alex rocked him in his arms.

"I promise, I'm okay. Please calm down"

Victor didn't, in fact, calm down. He continued to cry into his boyfriend's shoulder until there was nothing else to give and his body started to ache from its cramped position on the floor.

By then, Alex seemed to have recorved from his own ordeal enough to take control of the situation. He reached up and turned off the water before coaxing Victor's head out of its hiding place to be able to look into his eyes.

"Listen, I admit it wasn't great but I could've stopped you and I chose not to. So don't beat yourself up about it" but when Victor still couldn't say anything other than sorry, Alex pecked him softly on the lips. "I'm okay now, please believe that"

Victor had no choice but to nod his head and wipe at his eyes. Alex stood and brought him up with him. The blond ran his thumb in circles over Victor's cheek and gave him another peck on the lips before guiding him out of the showers.

They dried themselves in silence, Victor occasionally stealing glances at Alex to make sure the other boy wasn't in fact about to walk out on him in anger. When they finished, they walked together back to the bedroom.

Naked as they were, they climbed back on the bed, laying on their side facing each other. For the first time that night, Victor was able to hold Alex's gaze without looking away, hoping to convey how sorry he was about what he had done. Alex stared back.

The blond resumed the caresses on his cheek and Victor sighed contently into his touch, a stilling calm settling over him for the first time in hours, in days even. He couldn't help but be completely in awe of the boy in front of him.

"Why did you let me do it?" he asked in a whisper.

"I didn't care about the pain as long as I could help you"

"What do you mean help me?" the raw and honest look Alex gave him in that moment was enough to have him clinging to every word he said.

"When someone holds you against your will, you spend some time feeling trapped still even after you're freed" Victor held his breath. Alex was speaking about his own experience, but he had nailed it spot on about how he'd felt after his kidnapping... how he _still_ felt about it. "I understand the need to feel like you have control again. I thought I would help you if I just let you have it"

Victor released the breath he'd been holding and stared back at Alex with worship in his eyes. He grasped the blond's free hand in his own. Alex had been willing to suffer through his rough treatment just to make him feel safe and in control of the situation. He didn't think he was capable of loving the boy in front of him more than he already did. He brought Alex's hand to his lips and kissed it

"Not like this... not with you"

Alex smiled and leaned forward to plant a small kiss on his lips. After a while, Victor spoke again.

"How did you do it? Get control back?"

Alex shrugged. "I fell into a routine. I trained. A lot. Ben let me pick what we'd have for every meal of the day for like two months. Seems stupid, but as long as it was my choice..."

"Would you train me?" at the blond's confused frown, Victor added to explain. "You've taught me some self defense but that wasn't enough to avoid getting kidnapped"

"Vict, they held a gun to you. There was nothing you could've done"

"Exactly. There was nothing I knew how to do, so I just went with them" he argued, begging Alex with his eyes to accept his request. If it had worked for the blond, why couldn't it work for him too?

"I'll teach you more if you want" he finally conceeded and Victor let out a relieved smile. He touched their foreheads together.

"I'm sorry about what I did. I promise it won't happen again. I don't... I don't think I was in control at all. In fact, it just felt like the other way around" for a sickening moment, Victor thought he sounded just like his uncle whenever he'd been beaten by him, acting all apologetic and promising to never lay a hand on him again. But he shook his head and wiped the thought from his mind. He would never be that way with Alex.

Instead of answering right away, Alex seemed deep in thought until his eyes sharpened when he apparently came to a decision. He lifted the hand Victor was holding and guided it between his legs.

"Control it" he said, to which Victor stared at in confusion.

"What?"

The other boy repositioned himself so he was on his back facing the ceiling with Victor's hand still held above his own crotch. "This is a thing, right? Cum control? Do it with me"

Victor's eyes widened and his fingers twitched in Alex's hold. "Why?" He whispered, propping himself up on his right elbow to stare down at Alex.

"Learning to fight for real takes time and I know you've been feeling restless for a while. I want to help you feel safe and in control inside our bedroom just like you did for me when I needed it" Victor's heart stuttered when Alex referred to his room as theirs. The blond shook Victor's hand on top of his member before letting go.

"But after what I just did..."

"I was pretty turned on before" was all Alex said and he wriggled his hips a little when Victor was still too stunned to move. "I trust you"

"Okay" Victor said around a swallow and he got more comfortable to perform the task at hand.

He had ruined their time together earlier, so he was determined to make this as good for Alex as possible even though the other boy was doing this for him.

Victor knew enough about cum control to know he was supposed to drive Alex to the brink of orgasm just to leave him on edge. When he'd been growing up and feeling experimental with himself, he'd played with edging himself to the point he knew what it felt like to be denied an orgasm. He'd also ruined plenty in his first tries. Thinking about doing that to someone else, controling the other person's pleasure and not just anyone, but Alex, the person he loved and knew every one of his tells and presure points, was making excitement spark deep within him.

He met Alex's determined eyes and kissed him before attempting to start.

"If you want me to stop or if you feel like it's too much, you have to promise you'll tell me" Alex nodded woth earnest, lips already parted with anticipation.

"I promise" he breathed and Victor licked his lips at the sight. The blond was really into the whole thing so Victor wasn't going to disappoint him.

He started out with slow gentle strokes that had Alex sighing and closing his eyes, relaxing deeper into the mattress. Victor leaned down to kiss his chest, surrounding his left nipple with small kisses.

It was a slow process. Victor wanted to drag it out in contrast to how fast he'd initiated things earlier. He stopped his ministrations to pour a small amout of lube into his hand, just enough to make the slide a little smoothier while he continued to shower his boyfriend's body with kisses.

When he trapped the nipple in his mouth and ran his tongue repeatedly over it, Alex moaned softly and arched his back off the bed. The blond snaked his arm under Victor and clutched at the skin on his back. He took advantage of the position by dropping some of his weight into it and trapping Alex's arm underneath him.

He managed to work Alex's cock to a full erection and every time his thumb circled its head, Alex bucked his hips and moaned into the air. Those were the sounds Victor had missed during their first go and now that he had them, he could feel his own arousal sparking up again.

Alex had always been sensitive. He'd learned to see that as an advantage instead of a problem during the couple of years they'd been together, so that's why Victor knew it wouldn't take much to get him where he wanted to take him.

In fact, Victor released his cock and kept his hand away long enough for a frown to appear on the blond's forehead. He opened his eyes and their eyes locked. Victor couldn't describe even if he tried the way his body reacted to the lust behind Alex's eyes. He began to rub his own erection leisurely against the side of Alex's leg.

When he took a hold of him again, Alex gasped and twitched on the bed, releasing a sigh when the movement of his hand was renewed.

"Is this okay?" Victor asked.

"Yeah"

Victor felt emboldened. He quickened the pace, adding a squeeze at the end if his stroke that had Alex openly moaning. Victor wanted to hear that again. He repeated the motion several times until Alex's pants filled the room and then he abruptly let him go.

Alex whined and tried to curl in on himself but his trapped arm prevented it. Victor rubbed himself harder against him at the sight.

The next time he touched him, Victor avoided Alex's cock entirely. He teased the skin around it, running his fingertips up and down his abdomen, stopping just short of brushing the head of his cock before bringing his hand up and playing with his sensitive nipples. He had Alex writhing under his care.

When he decided to pay attention to where he was sure Alex wanted him to, he began by massaging his balls and lightly tapping them, which made Alex jump and inhale in pleasure. By the time he touched his member again, Alex actually whimpered in relief.

His relief was short lived though when Victor set a punishing pace and pumped him with his closed fist half a dozen times before letting go completely again. Alex complained loudly and brought his free hand down to try and finish the job himself, except Victor prevented it by keeping his hand away.

"Sh‐shit. I was so close" he said between heavy breaths, unable to keep his hips still as he searched for some friction.

"Are you okay?" Victor asked. He didn't care how much control Alex wanted him to have, he wouldn't keep going unless he wanted him to.

"Yes, yes. I'm good. Do it again" he sounded desperate and God if that wasn't something Victor liked to hear in his voice.

Victor dropped the rest of his weight into the bed, making sure he wouldn't hurt Alex's arm in the process and used his free hand to hold Alex's other wrist above his head, that way the blond wouldn't try to sneak a touch from himself again. The thought of having a hold of both Alex's arms sent a shiver down his spine. He waited a few minutes to see if Alex was uncomfortable with the hold but, if anything, his eyes seemed to darken even more.

Victor silently cursed at the sight. He was holding a bothered Alex, almost trapping him under his body, and the blond couldn't stop moving. He was panting and his parted lips were so inviting that Victor spent the next several minutes kissing the life out of them. Alex chased his lips when he ended the kiss but forgot all about it when his cock was grasped again.

This time Victor went slow. He moved his hand up and down Alex's length so excruciatingly slowly that the blond tried to tug his arm free so hard Victor worried he'd leave bruises behind, not that the blond seemed to mind much.

He worked his boyfriend up to the brink of orgasm again right before stilling his hand at the base. This time Alex dowright growled in frustration.

" _Vict_ " he whined.

"Tell me"

Victor wanted Alex to tell him if he was done, if he didn't want Victor to keep touching him anymore, so he gave him some time to calm down. The blond's breathing went from erratical to just slightly labored but he didn't say anything else. He loosened his muscles and turned his head back to Victor, searching for his lips.

Victor complied and kissed him until Alex started moving his hips again. This time Victor let him just thrust into his hand at his own rhythm. Victor began to move his body as well. They were breathing heavily into each other's mouth, both too close to the oh so wanted release that Victor almost forgot he was supposed to stop Alex from getting there. When he took his hand away from him, Alex made a sound that was dangerously close to a sob.

" _No_ " he complained, straining again to free himself. Victor didn't think he could keep torturing him much longer, his own release asking to be let out. But he would take his cues from Alex. If the other boy wanted to continue, he would. But Alex was breathing way too fast now, the fingers on his back digging sharply into it.

Victor kissed his forehead. "Are you okay?"

Alex was shaking his head but Victor couldn't be sure if it was denial or just him trashing his head around the place. Finally, between breaths, Alex spoke. "Don't... don't stop next time. Please. I need to... please"

 _Fuck_.

Alex never, ever begged.

Victor groaned and attacked his neck while putting his hand back on Alex's cock. He didn't tease. Didn't go terribly fast or slow. He just moved steadily up and down with a squeeze at the end of the stroke until Alex was once more writhing in his grasp. His breathing was picking up again and his moans were uncontrollable.

"Please don't stop, please don't stop, _please please please_ " Victor had no intention of stopping.

At the fourth stroke, Alex's breath hitched and he shut his eyes closed, opening his mouth in a silent cry that turned into a clenched-teeth groan as spurts of cum began to shoot from his member. He was shaking while Victor helped him ride his orgasm with with slow thrusts of his hand. He captured Alex's lips in a breathtaking kiss until he felt Alex shooting another small dose of cum into his stomach.

His own orgasm hit him unexpectedly. He'd been so focused on giving his boyfriend the relief he so desperately needed and he'd ended so caught up in his reaction to it that he forgot he'd been rubbing against the blond's leg while doing so. He added to the mess on Alex's skin and helped himself ride out the bliss by capturing Alex's mouth in a kiss again.

It wasn't a second later when Alex hissed and twitched wildly at his continued touch.

"S-s-stop" he said around a fit of broken giggles. "It's too much. Too much!"

Victor released him immediately and Alex slumped back with another laugh.

Victor let go of his wrist and moved to free his other arm, but Alex merely dropped them uselessly at his side. When their breathings had somewhat returned to normal, Victor gazed at his boyfriend with some apprehension in his eyes.

"You okay? Did you like it?" it took the blond some time to answer due to his still labored breathing.

"Like it? I don't think... I've ever... cum that hard in my life" he said around lungfuls of breath, clearly satysfied and Victor let out a sigh. "Do you feel better now?"

Victor contemplated his answer. He felt blissed out of his mind, sure, but did he still feel guilty about his rough treatment earlier? Definitely. Did he feel back in control of his life? Not entirely. He supposed an extremely erotic round of intimacy with his boyfriend wasn't going to miraculously solve anything, but he guessed it hadn't hurt either.

"I love you" he opted to answer instead. "More than anything. I love you"

"I love you too"

Alex let the matter drop for now, probably too blissed out himself to insist they keep talking about it.

Victor went through the motions of cleaning them up, Alex being too tired and unsteady to even sit up in bed. But while he was doing so, also taking the time to double check his backpack for tomorrow, again, he realized he didn't feel anxious anymore about what the next day might bring. He felt confident enough that he could at least survive the next day in a new and unknown environment just long enough to come back home to Alex, the person who just managed to make everything that much better. No matter how things went down tomorrow, as long as Alex was waiting for him at the end of the day, then he could take on the world, one day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, this one was a tough one to get out, but this is only the beginning of a long list of oneshots I have planned for this series.
> 
> Remember that I take requests so feel free to leave a review or a PM asking for what you’d like to see happening in upcoming chapters.
> 
> I want to thank everyone who’s read and reviewed this story, for all your kind words and encouragement and also for sticking up with me through the long waits and all the drama and angst of my stories. Fanfiction is a great way to deal with feelings so thank you for letting me use this space to express myself through my writing. Your guys are the best.
> 
> I guess I’ll see you in the next oneshot! —R.


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